Fifty Shades of Grey

What in the hell just happened Did I really read that Oh my god I did I did read that Meet Anastasia Steele Ana is just a giant mess of a human being She s insecure to the point of it being lau

What in the hell just happened? Did I really read that? Oh, my god, I did. I did read that. Meet Anastasia Steele:Ana is just a giant mess of a human being. She's insecure to the point of it being laughable, 'klutzy' (even though she only trips twice in the entire book), and a complete ditz. She's a virgin (of course) who's never taken any sexual interest in anyone before. Right. I'm fairly certain there hasn't been a woman this naive since 'round about 1954. At one point, she thinks putting her hair in pigtails will keep her safe from Christian's lusty advances. Fuckin' really? She "flushes" constantly, and on several occasions referred to her hoo-hoo-naughty place as "down there."Next, we have Christian Grey:Christian is a misogynistic, self-loathing, abusive piece of shit. Apparently, his only redeeming qualities are, in this order; his ridiculous good looks, his money, and his giant penis. The only time Ana seems to like him as a person is when he's being "lovable", and those times are few and far between. Most of the time he's serious, brooding, and threatening. How charming.I knew from the very first line this wasn't going to be good. "I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror." It was cemented that early, my deep, deep dislike for this moronic, simpering asshole. Your hair won't behave? Guess what?My suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any "sympathy" she feels for her sick friend is "unwelcome". Unwelcome, apparently because her friend is beautiful, even when she has the flu...? What a petty, jealous cunt. The only thing that made the first 4% of this book tolerable was the fact that I read it aloud to my younger brother, and his frequent commentary was amusingly distracting. Once he gave up, however, I had to travel the rest of the road alone. What a painful journey it was. My first impressions of Ana were bad (deservedly so). What were my first impressions of Christian? Well...That's how I felt about Christian Grey. From the beginning. Any time an author tries to sell me on a character's "charm" by waxing hormonal about how "ridiculously good-looking" he is, I snicker inwardly. I can't think why....Huh.Anyway, after reading about the description of Christian's building (hello, first penis metaphor), I had to sit through the awful dialogue between these smarmy idiots and hope beyond hope that something, anything, would distract me enough to see me through to the end. Turns out, I found something about 15% through. I went back and counted, and kept track throughout the rest of the book, and do you have any idea how many fucking times Ana said "Oh my" in this monumentally bad missive? Do you? I'll tell you; 79! 79 motherfucking times. "He pulled me back against his chest...oh my." "He began kissing a trail down my belly, oh my." "He's an insufferable douchenozzle, oh my!" (I'm just thankful that neither lions, tigers, nor bears were brought into this mess at any point.)About halfway through, I wished I'd been keeping track of the word "crap" because Ana is constantly saying/thinking it. Crap, Holy Crap, Double and Triple Crap, Oh Crap, This Crap, That Crap, any and all Crap. Speaking of crap, if I ever, ever ever have to hear/read the words "inner goddess" again, I'm going to construct a pyre out of tampons and maxi pads, light it, and toss unsuspecting women into it. ^My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don't shut the fuck up^I'm sorry, I just couldn't take any of this seriously. His playroom. His playroom? Really?Or how about his weird-ass issues with food? He wants the girl slim and in shape, yet he won't stop trying to force her to eat!I simply love the attempt E.L. James made at giving these pathetic shells personalities. Ana wears Converse, drives a vintage car, and likes classic British lit. *Yawn* haven't heard any of that before. And Christian; we know Christian's super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music. This is how we know Edward Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love; his love of music. Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music. Music lovers just aren't capable of doing anything bad.^Surprise! Psychos like music, too.^Since this is considered nothing more than "mommy porn", I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment. Were the sex scenes well-written? Well, none of it was particularly well-written. The sex scenes could be kind of...honestly, they were kind of boring. I've had more exciting sex myself, so I guess reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience. There's nothing revolutionary here, and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic. I mean, come on, he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing more than a passing, pleasant soreness? Riiiight. How about the time he gives her a handjob with a soapy washcloth? Hello? Apparently neither one of them has ever heard of a urinary tract infection. Oh, or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob, during which Ana established herself as some kind of Queen of Deepthroat.Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene? Oh, you've already heard about the tampon scene? Yeah, same here, although hearing about it and reading the actual scene are a bit different. For some reason, you imagine it being worse than it actually is, while at the same time, reading about it is more horrifying than you could possibly imagine. "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string...what! And...gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet."Look, I'm not against sex during menses, but a guy plucking out a girl's tampon? Yeah, gross. I'm not a prude, but there are certain lines people just shouldn't cross. What makes it worse is that Christian is just thrilled that Ana's raggin' because he hates using condoms.Apparently, Mr. GinormoDick doesn't know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period. Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he's doing to remedy Ana's sexual ignorance. Sexual dependence, thy name is Anastasia Steele. We're supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating? Hm. Well, Christian's supposed sexual prowess makes a bit more sense now, as does Ana's assertion that he has a giant bologna wand. She has absolutely zero experience, and she's never once had anything "in there". Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she'd still be like, "Oh, my glob! How is it ever going to fit?!" It's good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms, though, because now she's capable of having like, 15 a day or something. It's ridiculous. Come to think of it, Christian's obsession with her eating habits makes a bit more sense now. She was probably beginning to look like something out of a horror movie.Seriously, though, are we going to take the word of a girl who is apparently so undersexed she's never even masturbated? I guess I can sort of understand this obsession with some kind of an awakening, but...really? "Oh, he's soooo good in bed!" How the hell would she know?! She has absolutely nothing with which to compare, not even her own damn hand! Now I'll be totally honest, the biggest issue I have with Fifty Shades of Shit is neither the sex nor the horrible writing. It's the plot. Thin as it is, it's still there, its core message being that, given enough time, you can change someone. While I don't have any problem with this if all you're trying to do is help them to lose weight or quit smoking, when you're talking about an emotionally and (dangerously close to) physically abusive relationship, sending that kind of message is ridiculous and irresponsible. Christian is controlling, possessive, condescending, and cruel. He doesn't allow Ana to behave as she normally would, and Ana just puts up with it, insistent that if she can give him what he wants, when he wants, as often as he wants, she can eventually begin to pull his strings. Will it work? In the books, probably. In real life? No. Almost never. How many misguided women are going to waste their lives on some emotionally retarded prick because they've read shit like this and think this kind of fucked-up fairytale will come true for them? I've known women with this mentality. "Oh, he's so dark and dangerous and threatening, but he's got a sad, lonely side, and if I could just figure out what's wrong, I could change him!" Wake the fuck up! He may be hot, he may have a huge dick, he may even be rich, that doesn't make him a good person. It doesn't even make him a potentially good person. Quit.Being.A.Fucking.Idiot. (Look, I can make my words Staccato like Christian. Now hold still while I choke you until you pass out...)^Ana and Christian^ - "I said don't roll your eyes at me!!"Christian stalks Ana (which she turns into a fucking joke), and whispers things to her "threateningly". She's constantly afraid he's going to beat the crap out of her, and with good reason as he, on more than one occasion, tells her he's going to/wants to.Potential rape is downplayed. Ana's friend, Jake Jose, starts pushing himself on her rather vehemently when they're both drunk. Ana repeatedly says no, but Jose just keeps trying to go in for the kill. Admiral Chaps busts on up with his riding crop, however, and saves her. Ana (understandably) avoids Jose for a while after that, and when her other friend asks her why, all Ana says is, "He made a pass at me." Later on, she and Jose are friends again, the "attempted kiss" forgotten. *Sigh*Rapists appear to be a theme. Christian tells Ana that he gets off on having complete and total control over another person. This is not just in the bedroom, but in Ana's overall life. On several occasions, he fails to yield when Ana says no, plunging on regardless, assured she'll like whatever he does, anyway, so why bother stopping?And there are women out there who think this is romantic.I wish you the best of luck, ladies. Just keep in mind that while you're fantasizing about abusive, misogynistic assholes like Grey, there are a lot of women dealing with the horrors of actually living with men like him. For all you ladies bustin' out your toys while daydreaming about Hunky Mr. Grey, I want you to do something for me. It'll only take a moment. Close your eyes. Think about all the things Christian Grey does in the book. Not just those supposed sweet things, but really, everything. His condescension, his control, his insane jealousy, his threats.....and now....imagine he looks like this:Still turned on? The end of the book was absolutely hilarious, with Ana fleeing in emotional tumult because Christian can't give her what she needs (love! *sniff*).And we're treated to her alternately being angry about the pain and humiliation she faced at Christian's hands, and chastising herself for being a failure and for being mean to Christian. It really is classic abuse mentality. Yet I see her being touted by some as "strong and independent". It's this kind of ignorant trash that sets feminism back decades. Women who defend this book are, however unwittingly, participating in some of the most blatant misogyny I've ever witnessed, giving the impression that some women enjoy being debased, abused, and controlled (outside of a consensual Dom/sub relationship). This is not a book about BDSM, this is a book about one sick, abusive man and his obsession with a young, naive invertebrate. It's a book about a girl who has absolutely no sense of self, who sacrifices any pretense of individuality in order to hold onto a man who doesn't even show her the faintest glimmer of respect. It's about two attention-starved individuals with the emotional maturity of toilet paper convincing themselves that their relationship is 'like, the best thing ever, OMG'. It's trite, insulting, and dangerous. I fear for any impressionable young women who read this and think that this is how an ideal relationship should operate. If nothing else, it should be issued as a guidebook to mothers around the world to show their daughters the kind of man to avoid at all costs. This book does good men (and indeed, all of humanity) a disservice. *Sigh*A bestseller. They're thinking of turning it into a movie....I can't....Word Count: "Oh My" - 79"Crap" - 101"Jeez" - 82"Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" - 172"Whoa" - 13"Gasp" - 34"Gasps" - 11"Sharp Intake of Breath" - 4"Murmur" - 68"Murmurs" - 139"Whisper" - 96"Whispers" - 103"Mutter" - 28"Mutters" - 23"Fifty" - 16"Lip" - 71"Inner goddess" - 58"Subconscious" - 82Click here for my review of Fifty Shades Darker (Fifty Shades, #2).A viral Fifty Shades of Grey Author E.L. James is Books When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him Unable to resist Ana s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spiriWhen literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him Unable to resist Ana s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too but on his own terms Shocked yet thrilled by Grey s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates For all the trappings of success his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey s secrets and explores her own dark desires.Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.This book is intended for mature audiences.. All you need to know should be on here eljamesauthor Please come talk to me on twitter E_L_JamesIf you are interested in the play list from either of these books please visit my youtube channel youtube user eljamesau. Good Books Fifty Shades of Grey *Trigger Warning: This review contains strong themes, to include rape.*Before I begin what will likely become a very long rant/public service announcement, let me first say a few words. I have nothing against E.L. James. Nothing. She’s said that this series is a fantasy she managed to put on paper and that she never expected it to gain such momentum. Good for her for perusing her dream of writing. If this book also fulfills one of your fantasies, or if you just plain enjoyed it, good for you too. This review is in no way meant to belittle or condemn you for liking these books, and nor is it an attack on the author. These are solely MY OPINIONS about how dangerous FSoG is to society and specifically to women. Needless to say, this book does not fulfill one of my fantasies. It’s pretty much my biggest nightmare.“But it’s just fiction!”No. You can’t use that argument with me. Not anymore. This book is not “just fiction”. This book has become a frigging phenomenon. As I write this, over 70 million copies have been sold in the United States alone, hardware stores have run out of “natural fiber” rope and there are even ‘BDSM for Beginners’ classes cropping up in small town America.So excuse me, but I can’t just read this and think of it like a fantasy, not when it’s become a reality for so many people, and not when I was so enraged by what I found within it.Okay everyone, take a deep breath, grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and settle in. We’re going to be here for a while. First up is probably the most inflammatory of the statements I’m going to make, so we might as well rip the band aid off.THIS BOOK PERPETUATES THE RAPE CULTURE WE WERE ALL RAISED IN.There, I’ve said it. I’m not taking it back and I’m not apologizing. If you’re unfamiliar with this phrase, allow me to elaborate. Wikipedia defines rape culture as:“A term used within women's studies and feminism, describing a culture in which rape and other sexual violence (usually against women) are common and in which prevalent attitudes, norms, practices, and media condone, normalize, excuse, or encourage sexualized violence.”Let’s look at the first half of that definition. As much as we may want to ignore the facts, rape and sexual violence are common in America. According to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes. On average that’s about 207,754 sexual assaults each year. 54% of sexual assaults are not reported, 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail and 2/3 of these assaults are committed by someone known to the victim.I could go on for days about how prevalent attitudes, practices, and the media condone sexual violence, but I won’t because I’m really going to try and keep my words and links relevant to FSoG. Thankfully, throughout my research, I found several…hundred.The University of California has an interesting article about how social and cultural norms perpetuate rape and rape culture. In it, they specifically address how women are conditioned from early ages to be passive and accept and affect certain attitudes and behaviors. Here are some of the social rules they list and elaborate on:1. When spoken to, a woman must acknowledge the other person with a gracious smile.2. Women must answer questions asked of them.3. Women must not bother other people or make a scene because they are uncomfortable.4. When in trouble, it is best to defer to the protection and judgment of men.5. Casual touching or suggestive comments in social settings are meant as a tribute to a woman’s desirability.6. It is the natural state of affairs for men to carry the financial burden of social situations.7. When engaged in a social encounter, it is not proper for a woman to superior in any game, sport or discussion if she wants to be accepted.8. Women should always accept and trust the kindness of strangers if they offer help.There’s a blog post by Harriet Jacobs that also speaks to this and I urge you to read it in its entirety. In short, it says “…women are raised being told by parents, teachers, media, peers, and all surrounding social strata that:· it is not okay to set solid and distinct boundaries and reinforce them immediately and dramatically when crossed (“mean bitch”)· it is not okay to appear distraught or emotional (“crazy bitch”)· it is not okay to make personal decisions that the adults or other peers in your life do not agree with, and it is not okay to refuse to explain those decisions to others (“stuck-up bitch”)· it is not okay to refuse to agree with somebody, over and over and over again (“angry bitch”)· it is not okay to have (or express) conflicted, fluid, or experimental feelings about yourself, your body, your sexuality, your desires, and your needs (“bitch got daddy issues”)· it is not okay to use your physical strength (if you have it) to set physical boundaries (“dyke bitch”)· it is not okay to raise your voice (“shrill bitch”)· it is not okay to completely and utterly shut down somebody who obviously likes you (“mean dyke/frigid bitch”)Now how do these two examples relate to FSoG? Simply put, Ana, the main character in this series, continuously exhibits the behaviors listed in the rules and seems to have the mentality of those listed in the bullets. She might as well be the case study on which both were based.Early in the book there’s an interaction between her and a young man named Paul, the son of the couple she works for. This is someone she says has “always been a buddy”. Just after they greet each other with a hug, “he releases me but keeps a possessive arm draped over my shoulder. I shuffle from foot to foot, embarrassed. It’s good to see Paul, but he’s always been overly familiar”Does she tell him that she’s uncomfortable or step out from beneath his arm? No, that’d be going against everything that rule number three has taught her. Plus, she wouldn’t want to come across as a “mean bitch” now would she? Just after this, Paul asks her out. “Whenever he’s home he asks me on a date, and I always say no. It’s a ritual.” Is it a ritual? Or is it something more than that? Has Ana, like many of us, been conditioned to follow the rules to such a degree that she doesn’t know how to tell him “It’s not okay to keep asking me out”? Is she so terrified of breaking cultural norms and coming across as a mean-crazy-angry-dyke-shrill-frigid bitch that she’ll put up with his pursuit of her indefinitely? Or does she just not know to put a stop to it because she hasn’t been taught to?When she turns him down, yet again, he goes on to say “Ana, one of these days you’ll say yes.” Creeped out yet? You should be. How does Ana respond to this declaration? By escaping the room they’re in and getting back to a crowded store floor. What does this tell us? She felt the need to flee. She felt the need to not be alone with him. Part of her clearly recognized the danger of the situation and the repeated advances of her “friend”. But instead of speaking up, she fled.She never voices her discomfort. She is the submissive, quiet person that society has taught her to be. And 70 million people have read about her and have had these dangerously passive behaviors reinforced, yet again, through her actions, behaviors and words (or lack thereof).How will this same mentality play out in a situation involving sexual assault? I can tell you, because just a few chapters later, she’s sexually assaulted, by another of her “friends”.“José, I’m okay. I’ve got this.” I try to push him away rather feebly. “Ana, please,” he whispers, and now he’s holding me in his arms, pulling me close.“José, what are you doing?”“You know I like you Ana, please.” He has one hand at the small of my back holding me against him, the other at my chin tipping back my head. Holy fuck…he’s going to kiss me.“No, José, stop – no.” I push him, but he’s a wall of hard muscle, and I cannot shift him. His hand has slipped into my hair, and he’s holding my head in place. “Please, Ana, carińo,” he whispers against my lips… He gently trails kisses along my jaw up to the side of my mouth. I feel panicky, drunk, and out of control. The feeling is suffocating.“José, no,” I plead. I don’t want this.Luckily, Ana is spared further abuse because the one and only Christian Grey arrives on the scene and saves her. How? By saying “I think the lady said no.” That’s right. Ana can try to push José away and tell him ‘no’ multiple times but that’s not good enough. One sentence from a man and José immediately releases her, bringing us back to rule number four: When in trouble, it is best to defer to the protection and judgment of men. You got that, ladies? Don’t try to fight back because you’ll just be ignored, rely instead on a man. Sort of a catch 22 when the one who’s going to get you into trouble will likely also be a man.Bear in mind that this little scene takes place in the parking lot outside of a crowded bar, just a shout away from salvation. You’re probably wondering why Ana didn’t scream. Why she didn’t fight harder. Well, I’d like to bring up Harriet Jacob’s blog post again because just after her “bitch list” she says this:“If we teach women that there are only certain ways they may acceptably behave, we should not be surprised when they behave in those ways.And we should not be surprised when they behave these ways during attempted or completed rapes.Women who are taught not to speak up too loudly or too forcefully or too adamantly or too demandingly are not going to shout “NO” at the top of their goddamn lungs just because some guy is getting uncomfortably close.Women who are taught not to keep arguing are not going to keep saying “NO.”Women who are taught that their needs and desires are not to be trusted, are fickle and wrong and are not to be interpreted by the woman herself, are not going to know how to argue with “but you liked kissing, I just thought…”Women who are taught that physical confrontations make them look crazy will not start hitting, kicking, and screaming until it’s too late, if they do at all…Nobody obtains the superpower to behave dramatically differently during a frightening confrontation. Women will behave the same way they have been taught to behave in all social, professional, and sexual interactions.”Eerie, isn’t it? I sure thought so. Hopefully by now you’re beginning to understand the inflammatory statement this all started with.Not only do Ana’s actions and behaviors throughout the book reinforce the horrible societal conditioning that I mentioned earlier but this series also contains a lot of the other facets of rape culture, like victim silencing. For instance, once she’s collected herself, this happens:“Turning, I glance at José, who looks pretty shamefaced himself and, like me, intimidated by Grey. I glare at him. I have a few choice words for my so-called friend, none of which I can repeat in front of Christian Grey, CEO. Ana, who are you kidding? He’s just seen you hurl all over the ground and into the local flora. There’s no disguising you lack of ladylike behavior.”That’s right folks. It isn’t ladylike to yell (shrill bitch). It isn’t ladylike to swear (crazy bitch). It isn’t ladylike to defend yourself after you’ve just been sexually assaulted (mean bitch). Leave that to the menfolk. Surely they’ll defend you. Surely they’ll be the ones to address the fact that you were just sexually assaulted. Men, you know, the other sex, the ones that have been raised to talk about emotions. In public.And while we’re discussing this scene we can’t forget about rule number eight: Women should always accept and trust the kindness of strangers if they offer help. That’s what Christian is to her at this point in the book. A stranger. She’s seen him only three times, in formal or work-related settings, and knows nothing about him other than he’s rich, good looking and that his shopping list resembles those of serial killers (I’ll get to that last part later in the review). But accept his help and trust his kindness she does. She lets this complete stranger remove her from the bar, assuming that as he’s just saved her from a sexual assault, he's not planning one of his own.When she wakes up in his suite the next morning, pantsless by the way, she accuses Christian of stalking her. He defends himself by saying:“…if I hadn’t come to get you, you’d probably waking up in the photographer’s (José’s) bed, and from what I can remember, you weren’t overly enthused about him pressing his suit,” he (Christian) says acidly. Pressing his suit! I glance up at Christian. He’s glaring at me, eyes blazing, aggrieved. I try to bit my lip, but I fail to repress my giggle.“Which Medieval chronicle did you escape from? You sound like a courtly knight.”You got that? Stalking’s okay. Because it’s better than being raped.*facepalm*I’m almost at a loss at how to address the rest of this without copious amounts of swearing. How little she’s concerned with her “friend’s” behavior is appalling. That there’s no thought on her end about Christian’s allusion to her rape escape is appalling. How she glosses over it all and makes a fucking joke about it is appalling. It continues by the way.“I would have been fine. I was with Kate.”“And the photographer?” he (Christian) snaps at me.“José just got out of line.” I shrug.A shrug is a dismissive gesture, just in case you were wondering. She dismisses sexual assault as ‘getting out of line’. She downplays the severity of what happened. Why does she do this? Because it’s awkward to talk about it? Because it’s scary to think that someone she knows and trusts assaulted her and that when she tried to push him away and said ‘no’ he ignored her? Guess what? It’s always going to suck to talk about. It’s always scary to realize that statistics say that if you’re raped, you’ll know your attacker. But we need to talk about these things because if we don’t, nothing will ever change.And now the grand finale, victim shaming and blaming. You see, José feels bad for what he did. At first, Ana is pissed at him, as she should be, and even after he calls her numerous times and leaves several messages, she continues to ignore him, deciding to “let him stew”. Then the NEXT DAY, this happens:"The memory of José’s attempted kiss haunts me. I’m beginning to feel a bit cruel not calling him back."She feels cruel? She feels cruel for not returning the calls of the man that forced himself upon her? Well, of course she does. She's been trained to be gracious and polite. He's addressing her. Rule number one has taught her that she should smile in this situation so it would make sense that she feels bad for not doing so. Two days later, they talk:“Can I see you? I’m sorry about Friday night. I was drunk…and you…well. Ana – please forgive me.”“Of course, I forgive you José. Just don’t do it again. You know I don’t feel like that about you.”Here’s where I start to get really angry. “..and you…” what exactly? Were there? Were breathing? Had tits? How can José’s behavior in any way be blamed on Ana? This is the “she deserved to be raped because she was wearing a skirt” mentality that needs to be burned from our collective minds. No one can ever make you do anything. Everything you do, every way you behave is a choice that you and you alone make. So no, there is no “…and you…”.Books like this, with scenes like the ones I’ve spoken about only perpetuate our silence, our ignorance, our discomfort, and our complicity. They reinforce unhealthy behaviors and thinking patterns and they perpetuate rape culture. Authors, I beg you, don’t cover tough issues and strong themes if you can’t do them justice. Grant them the depth and the severity they deserve. Please.This review can also be found at The Alliterates.

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  1. All you need to know should be on here eljamesauthor Please come talk to me on twitter E_L_JamesIf you are interested in the play list from either of these books please visit my youtube channel youtube user eljamesau

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Fifty Shades of Grey Comment

  1. Trigger Warning This review contains strong themes, to include rape Before I begin what will likely become a very long rant public service announcement, let me first say a few words I have nothing against E.L James Nothing She s said that this series is a fantasy she managed to put on paper and that she never expected it to gain such momentum Good for her for perusing her dream of writing If this book also fulfills one of your fantasies, or if you just plain enjoyed it, good for you too This rev [...]


  2. You know, I was beginning to wonder if I needed to change some of my two star books to one star I was thinking that I might not ever personally read a book worthy of one star, and I was messing up my scale by giving some of the lame books I ve read lately two stars instead of one.Thank you E.L James, for proving to me there was something worth waiting for Something that truly exemplifies the meaning of terrible.Now hold up, all you would be defenders I read this whole thing I did not skip anyth [...]


  3. What in the hell just happened Did I really read that Oh, my god, I did I did read that Meet Anastasia Steele Ana is just a giant mess of a human being She s insecure to the point of it being laughable, klutzy even though she only trips twice in the entire book , and a complete ditz She s a virgin of course who s never taken any sexual interest in anyone before Right I m fairly certain there hasn t been a woman this naive since round about 1954 At one point, she thinks putting her hair in pigtai [...]


  4. Introducing an even abusive and disturbing TWILIGHT Now with whips and chains Fifty Shades of ShitHaters, please exit stage left.I m not sure what possessed me to pick up Fifty Shades of Grey I thought I might genuinely like it before I started, but all I was left with was one hell of a mindfuck Whatever it was that brought on this knee jerk purchase seems to have mercifully left me with enough common sense to say I will not be continuing on with this series.Recently I discovered one of my favo [...]


  5. In the words of Miss Steele, You need to sort your shit out, Grey Good day, sir Fifty Shades of Grey, like Fifty shades of fucked up nonsense rolls eyes I should get a medal for just finishing this tripe I honestly do NOT feel like revisiting this book and writing a review I d rather spend the time searching for ways to remove this utter nonsense from my memory However, this book is so bad that I feel the need to warn others from this drivel Luckily, I did not buy this garbage I do not even kno [...]


  6. Garbage Absolutely horrifying, utter trash A waste of trees, bookshelf space and precious, oh so very fucking precious braincells Honestly, why is this even published Every single book store in Sydney is promoting this tripe, claiming it to be some kind of awesome romance novel Are you absolutely shitting me There is nothing romantic at all about this book And I don t mean the BDSM erotica themes, I mean the fifty levels of abuse in this friggin thing In fact, that s what this book should be cal [...]


  7. Head s up If any of you fuckers comment at the bottom of this review and say, You don t understand BDSM I will hunt you down and make you eat your computer, plus the mouse, plus the keyboard, plus any other internet connected devices in your home, including but not limited to iPhones, iPods, iPads, Androids, games consoles and ereaders This book is not an accurate or healthy portrayal of a real BDSM relationship between two consensual and enthusiastic parties Thus, by defending it as such, you a [...]


  8. 0 stars DNF 55% Review edited February 12, 2015 Sex is than an act of pleasure, it s the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it s almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can t take it And at this moment you re a part of them Author unknown I ve had a rather long list of issues when I decided to abandon ship FSoShit is garbage and if I had read a paperback I would have burned the fucking offending thing It s a total mystery to me why this book [...]


  9. I didn t want to start this book Many people are praising it but I m simply not into erotica, it s too cheap for me But here I am in the mind of the innocent waiting to be devoured by the big bad wolf Sounds pornographic, doesn t it That s because it is Christian Grey A hot dude that melts a woman s panties off with just one look The perfect sex toy set out to conquer an innocent girl Grey the sick f ck is considered one of the hottest characters out there but he doesn t get to me His dominance [...]


  10. Those of you who have had the privilege of reading Fifty Shades of Grey will appreciate the context in which this review was written For those of you who have not read the book, well, you ll have to buy a copy to understand the inside joke CONTRACTDated this day 28th day of October, 2011BETWEENP.A LUPTON reader, and fan, Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James AndALL FANS OF EROTIC, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCEEXPECTATIONSReaders can expect to find within the pages of this book a flawless rendering of the int [...]


  11. Really blah, blah On on No purpose, no plot, meandering for meandering s sake I didn t finish it because, quite frankly, the heroine got on my last fucking nerve The writing style is atrocious and I can t fathom how or why so many people love this tiny slice of interweb fan fiction garbage.


  12. Rating negative sixty septillion starsIt s National Book Lovers Day A day to bask in the amazing power of books to inform, amuse, educate, and alter our views and viewpoints.


  13. I read this book back before E.L James even wrote it I don t brag about a lot of things, but my review skills are one of the few things I will brag about.E.L James read my review on this book and she loved it SO much, she decided to go ahead and write the book Here is a word for word copy of our email exchange from that day E.L James Hello, Colleen Hoover I saw your book review on Fifty Shades of Grey and I loved it so much, I decided I would write the book I m already finished writing chapter t [...]


  14. Okay I realized by people s comments that I never said exactly what I thought about this book Well, I loved it I ve now read it four times Christian Grey ranks right up there with Travis Maddox in my book boyfriend world This series is addicting When I need a good read this is my go to series I didn t know what to think about this because I wasn t sure how I felt about BDSM but this is sooooo much than that One of the BEST love stories I ve read to date.


  15. OOOOHHH the movie opens TODAY now, i m not likely to ever see the movie, but i will say it s pretty ballsy to cast the romantic lead a character who ties up ladies for erotic enjoyment with the actor that many people only know as the character who ties up ladies for erotic enjoyment and then kills them now hear me out, people i liked it, but i didn t like it like it the writing is shitty, it is, but i am a sucker for enthusiasm and you can tell she has it at the reading of hers i worked, she did [...]


  16. I only bought this on Kindle because I was curious to see whether a professional edit made it any better than the original fanfic which I abandoned once I realized the plot wasn t original enough for me to suffer through the cut rate writing Paging through this published version makes me embarrassed for the author than I was when it was in the fanfic domain, and it DEFINITELY made me lose respect for The Writer s Coffee Shop.Most distracting is the schizophrenic voice of the main character, Ana [...]


  17. I have finally made a decision about Fifty Shades of Grey I know, I know, my review of this isn t really needed, everybody s talking about this book, everybody s got the general gist of what it s about But I ve spent quite a long time thinking about this novel, the characters, and the relationship portrayed I ve been thinking about all the reasons people hate this so much and love it so much I need to confess for those who missed it that I originally reviewed this first book immediately after fi [...]


  18. Post Script on May 8, 2012This book has exploded since I first read it and it seems to be one that is either loved or hated I m actually very thankful that I read it before any of my GR friends or anyone I knew, because I feel like if I read it now, after hearing all the hype, it would probably disappoint.People have very strong reactions to Fifty Shades and just to put in my two cents you read different books for different reasons In my opinion Was this book a great piece of literature No Were [...]


  19. I feel like there is a deeper meaning behind Fifty Shades of Grey then just BDSM and sex but the huge downfall of this book was the writing I can see both sides of the fifty shades argument There are points in the book where I can see abuse but there are also points where there is none I just hate the fact that if people enjoy this book they are labeled as pro rape advocates or pro abuse STOP IT Stop trying to belittle others, everyone is entitled to their own opinion You may not agree but don t [...]


  20. ONE HUNDRED BILLION NEGATIVE STARSWell, I think it s safe to say that I m buying myself a chastity belt and am joining a nunnery This book has put me off sex for ever and ever.I know I said I was never going to touch this with a ten foot pole, but then this happened Basically, my co blogger dared me to read the books after a joke about the author, or I was never allowed to diss the books again the joke wasn t worth it.This piece of shit, this sorry excuse for a book is without a doubt the worst [...]


  21. Bad Book Is Like Other Bad Book ShockAt a standing room only press conference earlier today, top researchers from the world famous Center for Bodice Ripping, Bondage and Twilight Studies revealed that a bad book was quite a lot like another bad book When I saw the final results of the data analysis, a cold shiver went down my spine, said the Center s director The chain of inference is long, and at first we weren t sure all the steps were watertight, but now we re confident enough to go public Ex [...]


  22. Let me start by saying Wow Just Wow This book is 5 stars for me It is my favorite kind of story You know what I meanjust so intense that the characters get so far under your skin that you can t stand to be away from them for any length of time Well, that was me while reading this book, I couldn t concentrate to get anything done There are a lot of reviews on this book, and obviously the majority love it, so I am simply going to explain some of the reasons that this story grabbed hold of my heart [...]


  23. Huh Let s see how bad this book really is reads some quotes from others statuses This book is trash and I don t even want to finish the damn thing The excerpts are enough I will not be under the influence of this devilry Not even for the snark Not even to make fun of it Not even And after seeing this And that has got to be the LEAST disgusting creepy nonsensical thing that slime bag has said THE LEAST No effing way I m only seventeen going on eighteen I have a future to look forward to And I nee [...]


  24. 2.5 stars.I don t think I ve ever read a book that s left me quite as bemused as this one has The writing left a lot to be desired, the heroine didn t impress me at all and yet I find myself wanting to read the next in the series After having a day to let this sink in I have to try and put my feelings succinctly into a review How do I say this exactly Anastasia damn near killed me There were just too many things about her that turned me off bigtime I can understand how her vulnerability could ma [...]


  25. This is what you re getting from reading this book C Christianand A AnastasiaC Hi A Hey C you virgin A Yeah C Shit S A y C nothing A where C playroom 3 A lol kay C swag A yolo


  26. Uh, wow So this is IT The book that the whole world is in utter fascination with I think someone is laughing their way to the bank.First, here is a mini review of this book in two GIFs About the plot About the writing Got that OK, now of my sordid thoughts on this MASTERPIECE cough, cough So I shamelessly caved and read this book after repeatedly swearing I never would, but the publicity and hype finally won me over I also got a free copy of the book, no way was I going to pay for this And whil [...]


  27. I love the Fifty Shades trilogy I ve read this book so many times and each time I enjoy it as much as the last It s one of those books that doesn t really need a review Christian Grey will always hold a special place in my heart and on my list of book boyfriends 3


  28. This is clearly a joke, no offence intended to anyone mentioned My thanks to Tumblr for all the gifs If you know nothing about British politics, this may make this a bit difficult ORDER ORDER 50 Shades of Grey review by the leader of the opposition Mr Ed Miliband Ed Miliband Reviews 50 Shades of Grey whilst Ceilidh hopes this doesn t result in her party membership being revoked Mr Speaker, thank you for allowing us to have this emergency meeting in the House of Commons to discuss this incredibly [...]


  29. The first time I tried to read Fifty Shades of Grey, I almost threw the book out of the window I read the first 10 chapters and gave up I have a really hard time DNFing a book I m always curious to find out how things will end, even though I have an inkling about how things will go I can t claim to have great taste I was one of those crazy Twilight obsessed teenagers Yeah So I said to myself, Okay, I ll try give it one shot Time spent reading is never wasted Maybe I was wrong, maybe the book is [...]


  30. This was like reading a jackhammer.This was like if Hannah Montana tried to write an erotica novel.The popularity of this book makes me need to move to a different planet I am making the assumption that it comes from people not actually liking to read, but liking to have their self destructive cultural values reinforced Girls don t like to eat If you do whatever he says, he ll turn into a handsome prince It s not his fault he s abusing you, it s only because mommy was mean To have good sex, a gi [...]


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